Melancholy–insufferable, inescapable–has overwhelmed me. No, or is it a fatalistic apathy? In any case, I no longer have the will. The will to what? The will. End of sentence. I cannot finish a book, or season, nor do I possess the drive to pick up a controller or an instrument. Things which fill me with any form of desire or motivation seem fewer and further between. I lament; not for the things I lost, but that I have lost myself. How long can one drift on the vast ocean before the waves claim him? Even in a boat, how can a man hope to reach shore in the midst of the sea with a broken oar on a clouded night, without stars or moon?

Restless in the dark, weakened by the day. Endless hours of labour, isolation in my merciless ruminations, solitude, separation from any relationship of value. Atop all, at every bend, I am met with an inexhaustible supply of obstacles at every attempt to paddle, sail, or swim to the most menial of shores.

Yet in all this, the facade remains fixed. Still I assist others, still I sputter humour, still I carry on basic functions with deceptive efficiency; while in the abyss of my soul I stagger as a frightened child in the dark with the terrors of the night skulking within reach. Pangs of bitterness seize me in contrast to the fatalistic floating I have succumbed to; and fear–always the fear and regrets.

‘What if-s’ and ‘why-s’: steady and cruel as the driving, cold rain at midnight against the edifice of a derelict monument–my monument. Frantic questions of the future sting against my wasted spirit and wounded resignation to the twilight. In the not so distant past, my machinations, exertions, and attitudes all aligned in perfect obeisance to my indomitable, tenacious will. A will and spirit fixed firmly in its course with impenetrable offenses and defenses to aid its prerogatives. This has fallen.

I sit here a husk, withered and whipping in a sharp, subtle wind in the desolation of night; paralyzed, carried by the capricious current ’til either doleful dawn or dutiful dusk descends.