I came across this album upon suggestion of the band by my new roommate. The group is good, but what captured me most is the this album art from their album Midnight on Earthship. I can say with the utmost sincerity I have never seen a picture that so succinctly portrays my inner persona (not likeness, but demeanor), or conveys a more beautiful thought. 

As you see in the picture, the person is staring out a window (apparently on a ship in space according to the album title) at the moon. I will discuss this more later, but I want to note the character’s demeanor. He is wearing, what appears to be, futuristic clothing that seems like a basic outfit with a gray-scale tone. This gives the impression that this person is functional, but cares for style (not fashion, but a style their own). Although the hair looks ridiculous by modern, western standards, this is a “conservative” hair-style for an  anime character (which this art-style hearkens to). They are holding something casually in their hand, and are sitting in a casual, inward-drawn position. The look of the young man (I’d say 17-24) appears, at first glance, distant and “staring off into space” (no pun intended). If you look closer, his eyes indicate a passive captivation by the moonlight he is looking at. They seem, on a deeper level, to be irreversibly transfixed on the view outside. The eyes, and body language, indicate the thoughts of this man are deep, mildly sad, perhaps contemplating his existence, or the immensity, yet cordiality of the cosmos that has seized his attention.

This is my inner self. If I was to draw the inner me, it would be this.

Note also the scene. He is not merely peering at the moon in the night sky, he is watching it rise over the landscape. Fewer things are more beautiful than a sunrise, or sunset. Part of this is due to it’s immensity and grandeur as it ascends over the horizon and mellows the higher it reaches, only to slip into slumber as it it comes down with a gentle glow. Wherever this young man is. He is close enough to a moon to watch it peek over the horizon. The beam is drawn so as to illuminate the window, and young man. There is an ethereal warmth, and peace in this portrayal. There seems to be, even, some solace in the man’s surroundings.

Put these aspects together with a title, and we now have a breathe-taking venue. Based on the title “Midnight on Earhtship” (combined with these prior thoughts) there is a feeling that we all are that man on that ship (thus Earthship). It is midnight for the purpose of the character’s solitude as well as humanity’s and ours. Despite the solitude, and feeling of insignificance from the cosmos around us, there are sights like the rising moon on the horizon that make the universe personal, loving, and—dare we say–imminent. 

All this in mind, this album cover is a statement of the human condition. We are isolated, we grapple with our own finite-ness, and are forced into contemplation at the vastness and void around us. But there appears to be some aspect of creation that speaks to us personally, and visits us in our isolation. It showers us in the wonder, splendor, and purpose of the created order to inspire and embrace us. Such a moment, is the creator placing his hand on our shoulder and whispering, “Do not fret, I’m here.”

I would like to always post something insightful, or encouraging as I normally do. But life will, at times, be cold, unforgiving, and relentless (as I am sure you all have discovered); life has become such to me recently. Don’t fret–this is NOT a suicide note; I think too highly of myself for that.

For the first time since my conversion, I admitted I don’t know, Not the answer to a question, but to life. It hit me at the end of the semester last month, but not until these three and half weeks of break has the terrible reality reared its abominable head. My finances have always been low and shaky. This semester (my final one, Thank the Lord),  they are actually depressing, and defeating . I have discovered some deeply troubling information about someone very close to me. I am already disagreeing, starkly, with my soon to be mother-in-law. I am taking 21 credit hours this next semester, working 25, and serve as a youth pastor, and chaplain for two on campus organizations, and as a Spiritual Life Group leader. There are also some serious issues I and my fiance must work out.

I am truly deject for the first time in my life. I am nearly defeated. I balance, unsettled, on a precipice overlooking that abyss of doubt, anxiety, and exasperation. As I stare into the chasm of inexplicable dismay, only one fact keeps me going. I must keep going.

I am so immovably resolved in my faith that I defy the misery of my circumstances in sight of the future. Not that my faith is strong–on the contrary. My faith right now is such a pathetic ember that I fear a kitten’s sneeze might extinguish it. But I don’t need faith like a mighty fire, I only need a flicker. And that’s what I have–a flicker. And undying, unyielding, obstinate spit of light that sends comforting whispers echoing across the fortress of my sorrow. And in the dark pit that my spirit lies in the minuscule  flare whispers, “Not yet”.

Not yet. My financial security is gone, but I’m not gone yet. Those close to me are afflicted and broken,but broken things are mend-able. I may be filled with hate, remorse, sorrow, and bitterness, but my humanity and human circumstances are passing and conquerable! I will not give obeisance to futility. I will not bend to the hurricane of destitution. I will not!

After posting this, I will not feel better. All will not be well. But that incorrigible flame is there. I know all will resolve in peace. Whether I know it will or not.

Nothing but knowing God will do that. Nothing.

A good friend of mine recently posted a picture on Facebook with the caption, “You are what you love, not who loves you.” I immediately pulled up a second tab and searched this quip to give the author props. I ended up going on a rabbit trail of songs. There is a song by Fallout Boy (I like them) with those lyrics; however, they also appear in a song by Rilo Kelley, Jenny Lewis, and in the movie “Adaptation”. I actually had trouble finding the source of this quote. The oldest I found was the mid 1700s–anonymous, of course.

Maybe it was nigh impossible to find the source because of how deeply fundamental the saying is. It is said that there is nothing new under the sun; if so, the most basic truths, and most important, are the oldest. We need to let this quote define our lives.

In America especially, we are wrapped up in what people think of us. Our entire cultural is grounded in cliques, social status, and brands. The core of this groundwork is the “need” to have the right people like you. Since when has that mattered? Are you running for a political office? If the answer to that question was no, then focus on you, not them. “I’m not sure who I am apart from boyfriend.” “I am a Republican, but my party has seen so many losses recently.” “I am middle-class, but these bills and economy are dropping me further down the socio-economic ladder.” “I thought I was a Christian, but I no longer relate to these people that also claim Christ.” These are some common ones I hear daily. Let’s take them one at a time, and see if we can’t validate our quip.

I am what my significant other has defined me as. Then end it now honey! Do you love them? Then you will be the best you, you can be by developing or perhaps refining your person. Do they love you? They will work to build up your “you-ness”.

My Political Party isn’t in power. Why are you a Republican? You like guns? You like babies? You like the government to leave you alone. Then you are Pro-life, pro-armament, and pro-privatization regardless of who is in office. Why are you a Democrat? You feel for the poor? You love biospheres? You want to make health care affordable for everyone? Then you are a hippie. jk. Then you are concerned for the poor, care for the earth, and want to get everyone what they need. You are this regardless of who is in office.

Class. This is not you, or anyone for that matter. This is what category you fall under because of external circumstances. There are virtuous people in poverty and scalawags in extravagance and vice versa. You are you, without the economic title.

Religion. What are your core values? Do they line up with your religion? If not, change religions! Are people in your religion not reflecting what their religion teaches? Then they are not what they think they are! Do not let other people’s hate for your true religious conviction redefine who you are or your view toward your religion!

So what’s the common denominator? I am (me not hypothetical anymore) a musician. Not because I fit in with musicians, but because I think music, I breathe music, I live music. I am a Christian because I love Christ and His Word. I live for Him; I’d die for Him. What are you? What do you love? What of you, by you, and from you is so inseparable from your being that its very absence would make you stop being you? That is who you are. And it is only through discovering what you love–that inmost core, hardwired into the recesses of your soul– that you find you. Other people’s care or concern for you is irrelevant. People will love you for you. Anyone who seeks a different you is looking for a reflection of themselves to love and not you. Don’t become a copy or clay in their hands, be the original work of art.

“You are what you love, not who loves you.”